Generation Kill
“Dear Frederick, thank you for your nice letter, but I am actually a US Marine who was born to kill, whereas clearly you seam to have mistaken me for some sort of wine sipping, communist dick-suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree hugging bisexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddy. War is the mother-fucking answer.”
If you any or all of the following:
- Band of Brothers
- Jarhead
- Call of Duty 4
- The Wire
- Half-naked marines being all tough
Then I suggest you check out Generation Kill, which just finished its seven-episode run on HBO. It’s based on the book of the same name by Evan Wright, which itself started life as a series of articles called “The Killer Elite”, written for Rolling Stone magazine. You an read the articles online - part one, part two, part three.
I’ve been describing the show to my ADD/Call of Duty loving friends as “a modern Band of Brothers only more shit”, but I guess that’s a little unfair. Band of Brothers was a monumental piece of television, a series that I will still regularly clear off entire blocks of my busy, busy schedule so I can sit down and watch all the episodes. But then again, Band of Brothers was perfect for this kind of TV - it’s the dramatization of a high-stakes conflict where the politics were very clearly defined. On the other hand, Generation Kill doesn’t really have that luxury being, as it is, about the US invasion of Iraq, where the politics are a whole lot more… ugh. On top of this, the nature of warfare has changed so much since WWII to make it a whole lot less interesting for TV. I doubt we’ll ever get a factually-correct TV show about contemporary war that is even half as interesting as any number of WWII movies or TV shows.1
What I’m trying (and failing) to do here is give some context for the whole “modern Band of Brothers but more shit” comment. But I probably don’t need to bother because none of this even matters to the show. They understand that there’s very little actual combat in their combat missions. They understand that the political situation is messed up in the extreme. In fact, few of the characters actually understand, or indeed, care about the reasoning behind the invasion. They gleefully announce that they’re just there to fuck shit up. They joke about the lack of WMDs and ‘liberating’ the Iraqis.
Wright: If there’s no WMDs, then why are we here in the first place?
Cpl. Person: I knew you were a fucking gay ass liberal. You tried to pretend by invading Iraq with us, but I knew.
It doesn’t glorify war, nor does it condemn it. It’s a whole lot more complicated. A whole lot more… ugh. Still though, it’s a great show.
- Hell, even The Thin Red Line, the most introspective, shoe-gazing war movie of the last twenty years had Woody Harrelson getting his ass blown off by a grenade. [↩]
Almost there…
Yeah so I have a show debuting this fall and, no, it’s not a talk show. Nope it’s a half hour show entitled ‘Let’s hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus.’
Trivia for TV show “Knights of Prosperity”
The show was sold to the network on the basis of the hypothetical title “Let’s rob Jeff Goldblum.” No additional description was needed.
Analysing the A-Team 1
Episode Name: The Taxicab Wars
The first thing to note about this episode is that it may well be the perfect summary of what made the 80s so great. It’s got Ernie Hudson, Michael Ironside, Brion James and that guy who played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds.
Starts out with a taxi company. Let’s call them the Good Guys. Even their taxis are spotlessly white. Until, that is, the Bad Guys show up and BLOW UP one of their taxis. Oh no, the Good Guys are out of business. They can’t go to the police because they won’t do anything until they can catch the Bad Guys in the act. If only they could figure out how to contact the A-Team.
But wait! Who’s this guy in the really shitty disguise stepping out of a corvette? Why, it’s Hannibal! Hooray!
So far, Hannibal’s plan involves
- Stealing the Bad Guys’ taxis and repainting them to make them look like the Good Guys’ taxis
- Hacking the electronic gate of Michael Ironside’s fancy house
- Tearing up Michael Ironside’s driveway and smashing his little veranda
- Faceman eye-fucking Michael Ironside’s girlfriend
- Attempting to extort $180,000 from the Bad Guys
- Threatening Michael Ironside at gunpoint
- Smashing through the wall of the Bad Guys’ garage
- Shooting each one of the Bad Guys’ taxis until they asplode
- Breaking into the Bad Guys’ office, blowing open their safe and stealing their money
When the Bad Guys turn up to confront the A-Team, they’re once again held at gunpoint and told that their days of running a dodgy taxi company are over because - get this - Hannibal has called the police.
I’m sorry, but this is bullshit. Total bullshit. In the entire episode, we’ve seen the Bad Guys commit maybe three crimes (unfortunately, acting and dressing like assholes aren’t actual crimes). The A-Team committed THREE TIMES as many. And even when their crimes overlap, the Bad Guys come off looking like angels next to the A-Team. For example, while the A-Team are driving cabs, the Bad Guys decide to ram them off the road. A dick move, no doubt. But the A-Team start trying to ram the Bad Guys off the road too. Except the A-Team are carrying innocent people in their taxis. They wouldn’t pull over and let out their fares when the ruckus begins. The Bad Guys are beefin’, sure, but they have the good sense to not get innocent people involved.
But perhaps the most important thing about this episode is that it’s the first appearance of Face’s corvette. For a bunch of mercenaries who have never been seen to accept a payment for their work, how the fuck can Face afford to buy a new corvette?! It would be easy if they had a load of gold bullion lying around.
Trailer for “The Sarah Connor Chronicles” online
My girlfriend has a little lady-boner for Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. It’s where she gets her hard-ass attitude from. Except I can’t imagine she’ll be too thrilled about this - it’s a TV show based around the life of Sarah Connor between T2 (where she was awesome and kick-ass) and T3 (where she was dead). Full of embarrassing throwbacks to the movies, including “Come with me if you want to live”.
Show, don’t tell.
When I was doing the screenwriting course, we were constantly being reminded of one of the golden rules of writing: Show, don’t tell - describe the scene through actions, rather than words.
And this is why I love The Wire so much. Everything is shown, not told. The writers assume the audience is smart enough to figure out what the characters are doing, without resorting to have the characters ask each other what they are doing.
There’s a perfect example of this in Episode 4 of Season One, “Old Cases”. This is the entire dialogue (taken from the subtitles on the DVD) between McNulty and Bunk as they dig through an old crime scene. Gold star if you can figure out their actions from their dialogue.
16
- This is the one?
- Yup. Hasn’t been rented since.17
Fuck.18
Motherfucker.19
Fucking fuck.20
Fuck.21
Fuck.22
What the fuck?23
Fuck.24
Fuck.25
- No.
- Fuck.26
Fuck it.27
Oh, the fuck.28
Motherfuck.29
Aw, fuck.30
Fuckity, fuck, fuck.31
Fucker.32
Oh, fuck.33
Fuck.34
Motherfucker.35
Fuckin’ A.36
Fuck.37
Check this.38
Motherfucker.39
Fuck me.
Life on Mars
Alright you ding-a-lings, listen up.
Life on Mars has easily been my favourite British TV show of the last 10 years, even beating the terrific return of Doctor Who. We’re halfway through the second and final series, and I don’t think there’s any sign of it slowing down. Remember that awesome Camberwick Green inspired promo for the second series? (if not, here’s a quick refresher). Want more? Well, according to Heat magazine* a portion of the next episode of Life on Mars will be done in this same style.
If you haven’t already been hooked by this incredible show, the first series is available in your favourite shops and on your favourite internets. You should really check it out. You owe it to yourself.
* Yeah, I read Heat magazine. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?
Channel 4’s “50 Greatest Actors”
Max Beesley talking about great actors? Channel 4 are getting desperate for pundits.
Favourite moment of the show was Brian Blessed saying… well, ’saying’ is relative, since this is Brian Blessed, I think ‘bellowing’ is closer to the truth. Yes, Brian Blessed bellowing how he used to run after John Gielgud to pinch his arse. “COME HERE JOHN, I WANT TO PINCH YOUR ARSE!”
Followed by GORDON’S ALIIIIIIIVE?!
Everything bad is good for you?
TV Shows I love
Life on Mars
I’ll admit that I’ve never been drawn to 70s British police dramas. Then again, I don’t know that I’ve ever actually seen a full episode of any of them. But Life on Mars is just fantastic. This and Doctor Who have renewed my faith in BBC drama.
Prison Break
When I’m about to head off to bed after a hard day’s TV watching, I tend to go for one last flick through the channels. I remember crying whenever I’d stumble across CSI at midnight because it meant I was stuck for another hour without any way of wrenching myself away from the telly. Televisual crack. I was addicted.
I get the same thing with Prison Break, the TV show with the most idiotic setup I’ve ever seen. It makes me think of that episode of the X-Files where Mulder discovers the TV networks are putting subliminal messages between the frames of TV shows. I don’t know why else I can’t pull myself away from these breathtakingly stupid shows.
Lost
Actually, I don’t love Lost any more. I watched the entire first season over the course of a weekend and was completely hooked but since then, I think I mostly watch it out of some hope that they’ll finally start dishing out some answers. So far, they haven’t. And now there’s talk of dragging this into four seasons, with a feature film finale. I think it’s time I cut myself free.
Anything involving people being chastised for being bad parents/children/pet-owners
Yes, they might be lowest-common-denominator TV, but these shows have saved my life on more than one occasion. However, this does not extend to anything presented by Gillian McKeith. She is the devil. A bitter, hump-backed devil
Grand Designs
This has been mentioned before, but I still can’t get enough of it. I love everything about it, from the creepy Harry Potter-esque theme music to Kevin McCloud’s shameless baiting of the absolute cocks he’s showcasing. I wish it had its own channel.
The IT Crowd
Apparently, this isn’t being as well received as I would have expected, which is a shame because I think it’s one of the best-written, best-acted comedies on TV today (or at least since Black Books went shit). The fact that it’s about a bunch of socially inept geeks - thus mirroring my own existence - only makes me love it more.
TV Shows I just can’t get into
Battlestar Galactica
I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I just can’t get into this show. I think this means I have to hand in my nerd badge or something.
Veronica Mars
It’s nice to have a female-led teen-oriented drama show that doesn’t involve someone being a superhero or a total fucking flake. But I just couldn’t care less about this show.
ER
I used to love this show, but I’ve come to realise this was mostly down to my hetero boner for Noah Wyle. Now, not even John Leguizamo can save it.
Ghostwatch
Found a copy of Ghostwatch lurking in Tower records the other day. 13 years since its first (and only) broadcast, it still manages to scare the pants off me.
Technorati Tags: Ghostwatch, halloween, Television
Grand Designs
More4 launched a few weeks ago, and already it’s become a major part of my TV-watching habits. Well, less than I’d probably like. My girlfriend doesn’t think Jon Stewart is particularly funny (and, Crossfire appearance aside, I tend to agree with her) so we tend to avoid that.
But the most surprising thing has been a massive addiction to Grand Designs. In just a couple of weeks, that show has become such a massive part of my TV viewing habits, I turn it on even if I’m in the middle of doing something else like cooking dinner.
I’ve thought long and hard about this. I think there are a couple of things going on here. First, obviously, is the actual building. Nine times out of ten, the people being showcased are the kinds of insufferable assholes that most likely had no other choice than to strike out on their own because no-one wanted these cunts for neighbours.
This works for me because I like shouting at the TV. And these episodes give me plenty of opportunities to turn the air blue from the amount of obscenities I’m hurling at these people with more money than taste. For example, Grand Designs Abroad recently a couple who built a god-awful wooden house in France because this the husband really wanted to become a writer and the only thing stopping him was the lack of a badly-designed house in the middle of a French valley. That episode gave me lots to shout about.
But it’s not always like this. As I said, this is only nine times out of ten. The other time is typically a really heartwarming, reassuring story about someone who really is chasing down their dream. Like the one last week of a guy who worked in a forest in England and spent ten years living in a leaky caravan while waiting for planning permission to build an organic house in the forest. The end result was something so pretty and beautiful that it absolutely brought a tear to my eye. That he built it all by himself, right down to the carving of the 16,000 wooden slates only added to the beauty of this episode.
But there’s another reason. And I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I think I’m developing a bit of a hetero crush on the presenter, Kevin McCloud. Don’t get me wrong - this isn’t a major thing. Certainly not like my hetero crush on Peter Gallagher (more specifically: Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows) or my full-on hetero boner for Noah Wyle. No, no. This is much simpler - I just like his little soliloquies. These are perfectly judged breaks from the chaos of the actual home-building, providing just the right balance of caution and hope.
I was thinking of dressing as Kevin McCloud for Halloween (other ideas included: Hellboy, Arthur Dent, Biff Tannen). There wouldn’t have to be much to the costume, but I would occasionally step aside and offer my own soliloquies about the party, pausing occasionally for emotional effect.
“People… Are the life and soul of every party… And this party certainly has people… But are they they right people? … And will it be enough?”
Technorati Tags: More4, Kevin McCloud
Copyright © 2006-2008 lowbrowculture • Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit, and I said 'Goodbye', and you were like, 'No Way', and then I was all, 'We pretended we were going to murder you'. That was great.