Ten or eleven years ago, I was in a pub and we got talking about Jimmy Stewart. For some reason, I thought now would be a good time to try my hand at a Jimmy Stewart impression. Now, if you’ve ever seen me try to do an impression of anything, you know I can’t, it’s just embarassing. Maybe the stars were smiling on me or something because that day, I managed to do a pitch-perfect impression of Jimmy Stewart.

That was the first and last time I ever tried a Jimmy Stewart impression. I will probably never be able to do one again, let alone do a better one, so why even try?

I was playing GTA IV a while ago and, like most people who play it, I started fucking around in between missions. Goofing off – crashing cars, shooting random people and generally acting like a deranged psychopath. One of my favourite things to do in that game is to punch someone and then stand there. Maybe it’s because I’m a complete pussy and I’d never try this in real life. Anyway, I punch people and see what they do. Most times they just go “Hey!” and walk away. Sometimes they scream and run away.

Except once, I punched the Charles Bronson of Liberty City. He just snapped, went berserk and started beating the living fuck out of me. I would have fought back, but he was going so nuts that I never got a chance to punch him. So I ran away.

He started chasing me.

I swear to God, I don’t know if the developers made it this way, but I could have sworn he was foaming at the mouth.

I ran and ran and ran. Usually, with videogames, you run far enough away and the person chasing you gives up and goes back to their pre-scripted routine. Not this guy. I ran into my apartment – your safe-house, where you can save your game by lying on your bed and ‘going to sleep’ for a few hours. He chased me in. I didn’t even know non-playable characters could open the door! So I did the only thing I could, I lay on the bed, went to sleep and saved my game.

When it was done saving, my character woke up, the guy was still standing over my bed, barking and shouting at me, and started punching the moment I stood up. I eventually just grabbed a gun and shot the guy.

Now I can’t play GTA IV again, because I know I will never be able to top the image of a crazy guy yelling and screaming at me as I lie in bed asleep. I don’t care how good the rest of the game is, it can’t beat that.

Frustrated by the way BFBC2 players will happily sit and snipe while doing nothing to help the squad, or win the round, Tom Chick invents a new class, the sniper cop:

Did you know the tracer dart can stick to friendly targets? It sits there and glows. For instance, if you affix it to someone’s head – say, someone with a sniper rifle crouching just behind a ridge or in some foliage – that person’s head will be super easy to spot from a long way off by other players with sniper rifles. Furthermore, if you attach it to someone’s face, it will shine a red glow into his line of site and maybe even obscure his vision. It’s like a fantastic glowing clown nose

Play the new sniper cop class in Bad Company 2

First up, a quick warning. We’re talking about Lady Gaga here, so if that doesn’t immediately ring your NSFW alarm, then let me state it clearly: this post is probably NSFW.

Here’s the new Lady Gaga video for ‘Telephone’, which has a load of oversaturated shots of big-titted women dancing around the place in their bikinis. As is usual for any video directed by Jonas Åkerlund, it’s almost painful to watch.

Now, here’s one of the few clips I could find of the Bikini Bandits Experience, a weird ‘ironic’ exploitation film which has a load of oversaturated shots of big-titted women dancing around the place in their bikinis. It’s also got Corey Feldman, Jello Biafra, Maynard James Keenan and Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf (RIP Hank). And it, too, is pretty painful to watch.

Since I’ve been doing a lot of to’ing and fro’ing between Ireland and Rome, I’ve made a firm decision to never fly Ryanair ever again, unless it absolutely cannot be avoided. There’s a few reasons behind this.

1. First, and most obviously, Michael O’Leary could possibly be the world’s biggest cunt. The kind of person I would be very happy to hear had spontaneously burst into flames and choked to death on his own melting oesophegus.
2. I’m sick of being treated like a piece of shit by Ryanair’s barely-competent ground crew. I was blind drunk one night and went into Zaytoon, where the extremely condescending guy behind the counter started acting all “wellity, wellity, wellity, what a surprise, the drunk fat man wants a kebab”. I remember thinking “Hey fuck you, dicknose! You’re the shithead who works in a kebab shop, you’re in no position to judge anyone. Just slice the meat and shut your stupid face.” This is kind of how I feel about Ryanair ground staff.
3. I’m sick of being hawked shit every ten minutes on their flights. Especially when I just want to sleep.
4. They’re a false economy. Ryanair gives you 15kg for your checked luggage, and it’s €20 per kilo above that. Aer Lingus gives you 20kg. So whenever I’m booking a flight, I’ll always add an extra €200 to the Ryanair price. They’re never cheaper than Aer Lingus.

Simply avoiding them isn’t enough for me though. I want them to know each time I avoid them. Down the street where I work, there are a bunch of bars that we used to go to, but that we now avoid because they decided it would be better to try and rip us off once than have our continued, regular custom. Now, I’ll occasionally walk into one of these bars, wait until someone acknowledges my presence, and then leave and go to another bar. It’s ridiculous and petty, I know, but so am I.

So I want to do something like this with Ryanair. Every time I take a trip, I’d like to send a letter saying “Hello, I’m flying between $city_a and $city_b, but I decided to fly with one of your competitors because I think your business practices are appalling.” I thought this was a great idea until someone pointed out that they’re such cheap cunts that they’d probably charge me an administrative fee for having opened and read the letter/email.

So what’s the best way to let Ryanair when they’re missing out on a fare from me? The pettier and more ridiculous, the better.